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Title: And Now, Because No One Demanded It!
Author: Batty_Gal a.k.a Tetra26
Rating: NC-17
Fandom: Kyou Kara Maou
Pairing: Wolfram x Everyone except Yuuri
Word Count: 1110
Fic Type: Oneshot
Summary: Wolfram has sex with everyone – except Yuuri? Warnings for incest, swearing, slash, het, everything. Sheer parody/crack.

And Now, Because No One Demanded It!
By Tetra26 a.k.a Batty Gal

Yuuri couldn't believe his eyes.

It was Wolfram. Naked. On top of Dakaskos.

What the Hell was this?

He watched the fire mazoku plow into the bald man, who apparently was enjoying it. After all, he was begging the blond not to stop.

And Wolfram?

Oh man, he looked absolutely sexy and into what he was doing. Yuuri – who was still stunned – just watched as Wolfram rammed into Dakaskos repeatedly, his face contorting in passion.

Yuuri came to his senses, and eased away from the scene.

No! This was not happening!

Yuuri was not watching Yozak do Wolfram up against a wall.

He was not hearing the blond beg the spy to bang him harder.


He was not looking at him claw into Yozak's shoulders as he kept screwing him. He was not seeing Wolfram bite his lip, whimpering with every thrust.

Yuuri once again left, his body shaking.

Oh my Shinou!

Yuuri had to be imagining this.

There was no way that he was watching Wolfram do Murata doggy style in the shrine.


Not at all.

He was not watching as Wolfram's pale butt continued to meet Murata's own, not hearing how the Sage repeatedly gasped and demanded that the fire demon go harder – and faster.

Yuuri ran, his mind completely in shock.

The fuck???

Yuuri was not watching as Wolfram gave head to Conrad while Gwendal did him from behind.


Hell no, even.

He was not hearing Conrad moan out his approval while Gwendal grunted as he slammed into his brother.

His brother!!!

Yuuri fled, and tried his best not to laugh like a maniac.

The shit was this?


Yuuri was not watching Wolfram masturbate, while talking to himself.

No way.

No how.

And Yuuri definitely didn't see Wolfram's eyes change to blue, nor did he hear Wolfram's voice ask himself if he liked it.

He also didn't see Wolfram's eyes immediately change back to green and confirm that he liked it – and beg Shinou for more.

He backed out of the room, slowly.



No no no no no!

Yuuri was not watching Wolfram and Günter 69 on HIS desk.

No! No! No! No! No!

He did not see Wolfram take his mouth off, and swirl his tongue around the tip of the older man's member.


He ran, and jumped in the closest fountain.

F. U. C. K.

N. O.

Yuuri was not watching Anissina use some sort of dildo contraption on Wolfram while he had his face buried between Gisela's legs.

He was not hearing how Gisela begged him to keep his tongue right there as Anissina gleefully continued to plunge that thing into a moaning Wolfram.


Yuuri bolted, and fainted in the hall.


Negative! Negative!

Negative! Negative! Negative!

Yuuri was not watching an orgy between Wolfram, the Maids, and the Shrine Maidens.

He was not watching Lasagna and Sangria fight over who would get to give head to Wolfram, while Doria sat on his face.


Yuuri did back flips away from the room.

Shit. Damn. Motherfucker.

Yuuri was going to unsee it, and was going to unsee it now!

Wolfram was not licking and sucking on his mother's exposed nipples, while the woman laughed and moaned at the same time.

This was not real!

Not at all!

He was too sane to believe it so!

Yuuri moonwalked away from the scene.

Mother Fuck!

No! No! Fuck fuckety fuck no!

Wolfram was NOT riding Shouri.

Yuuri was NOT watching his brother lightly pinch Wolfram's nipples as the blond murmured that it felt much better than when Yuuri did it.

No fucking no!

Wait a minute... better than when he did it?

Better than him?

The Almighty Maou?

Oh Hell to the naw!!!

Yuuri felt the rage pulse through him, and blacked out.

Wolfram, who had been sound asleep and dreaming about donuts for some reason, was startled out of his sleep when a pair of hands yanked him upwards.

“Wha... What's going on?” he asked, and looked at the person who grabbed him.


Maou Yuuri.


“What's wrong?” he asked, alarmed.



“You cheater!” the Maou bellowed. “How dare you sleep with everyone in the damn castle, as well as my brother! How dare you imply that my brother does it better than me?!!”

Wolfram was at a loss for words. He simply stared at the Maou, as if he'd grown another head.

“Well, how dare you?!!”

“Yuuri... I'm only sleeping with you. What the Hell has gotten into you?” Wolfram asked, confused.

“I don't mean in the same bed, I mean in the sexual way!”

“Same answer, either way.”

“Really? Then that was all a dream, then?” the Maou said, softly. His powers faded out, leaving behind his regular, still conscious self.

“What the Hell kind of dream were you having?”

“I dreamed that you slept with everyone... except me,” Yuuri said.

“And it was so real that you woke me out of my sleep just to accuse me of... cheating? And, you were so jealous about it that you went Maou?”

Yuuri looked at Wolfram without responding.

Wolfram, who was about 3.5 seconds away from going upside Yuuri's head with a fireball, narrowed his eyes once what Yuuri had said seeped into his brain.

“When you say everyone in the castle, who did you mean?”

“Dakaskos. Yozak. Anissina and Gisela. Murata. Shinou. The Maids. The Shrine Maidens. Shouri. Even your brothers and mother.”

“And I had sex with them all?”


“My... brothers?”


Yuuri waited, watching to see if Wolfram would become as bothered about it as he was. After a few moments of the blond staring at him with a pensive look on his face, Wolfram spoke up.



“I need explicit details. Now.”


Author's note: One wonders how that conversation went, but I'll leave it up to the imagination that you have now been cursed with. Title is taken from a Deadpool comic – which was a parody of those old comic books that would say something like “And now, because you demanded it!”. No one demanded this – which is why I wrote it. The next time you watch KKM you will remember this atrocity and your face will become as red as Anissina's hair (Hey Wolfram, is she a natural redhead? You would know thanks to this fic mwuahahahaha!). You can't unsee it! I don't think this one can be put on, what do y'all think?

Date: 2009-01-14 08:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
This is clearly the best fanfiction in the history of fanfiction.

Date: 2009-01-14 08:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I was going for the "All-Star Batman and Robin" effect -- so bad that it's gooooood.

Date: 2009-01-14 09:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

Moonwalked.. XD

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!! :rolls on the floor while clutching her stomach:
and he wanted details. XDDD

Date: 2009-01-14 10:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Yes, Moonwalked! Doesn't help that Michael Jackson used to wear similar clothing to Yuuri's school uniform. I imagine that he threw a few of his nervous Yuuri "he he's" in there too...

And Wolfram has a little freak in him! LOL

Date: 2009-01-14 10:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Jacko-style and his trademark shriek :D

Any plan for Shori/Wolfram?

Details how they did that

Date: 2009-01-14 10:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm actually considering an AU that deals with Shouri/Wolfram! I don't know yet... I was wondering what kind of long fic I'd do next since TAATS (lol) will be all posted this week.

LOL a oneshot Shouri/Wolfram sounds interesting right about now though... I'll see.

Date: 2009-01-14 02:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
The fic! It burns!!! And you started it with Dacascos, you didn't give us lube, you heartless woman.

Yuuri moonwalking and doing backflips. The WolframxShinou with eye-color changing. Wolfram dreaming of donuts. Hahahaha.

Date: 2009-01-14 02:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I aim to destroy!

I still have no explanations for the donuts.

Okay, I don't have any explanations for any of it really, but especially the donuts.

And why do I now want to make an AMV with Yuuri's head on Michael Jackson's body? Be glad I don't know how to do all the editing, be very glad...

Date: 2009-01-14 03:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You win the internet. Surely no fic has been that epic before XD
Also, Wolfram/Shinou *dying of laughter*
I shall forever praise thee for thy epicness.
(ps: check my icon, it's pretty... fitting XD )

Date: 2009-01-14 03:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
LOL mind rape! Definitely fitting for this atrocity.

I couldn't help myself with the Wolfram/Shinou thing... I have issues.

Date: 2009-01-14 03:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I thought mind rape fit the wolfram/Shinou one pretty good ;)

(I loved it. I have issues to. And I'll write mindraep porn one day, I swear. When I actually stop being a wimp and finish the pr0nfic I've started this summer and become a full-fledged pr0nwriter.)

Date: 2009-01-14 03:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I was laughing like an idiot all the way. Good thing I'm alone at home XD

"Yuuri did back flips away from the room" ROFLMAO XD XD XD

Well, Wolfram sure likes variety lol
This was epic lol

Date: 2009-01-14 03:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
LOL Dream!Wolfram knows that variety is the spice of life!

Date: 2009-01-14 06:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Wow. When you said everyone, you MEANT everyone. o_o That was hilariously written. I liked all the different ways Yuuri fled the scene.

Date: 2009-01-14 08:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I had fun writing it (and giggling imagining Yuuri moonwalking away from the baths).

Date: 2009-01-14 08:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
“I need explicit details. Now.”


That was the best possible way to end this crackfest. Kudos for find a different exit for Yuri every time; my personal favorite was the backflipping one.

Date: 2009-01-14 08:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
That would be the last thing that Yuuri would have expected for Wolfram to say, which is why I wrote it LOL.

Yuuri backflipping... lol.

Date: 2009-01-15 03:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
That was just way too much fun. :)

Date: 2009-01-15 05:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm glad you found it to be so!

Date: 2009-01-16 06:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
xD!!!!!! Hahaha, this was great, this is what you mentioned during one of the chats!! I LOVE your crack fics. Totally amazing. From start to finish, I was laughing my head off.

Date: 2009-01-16 06:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
LOL yes this is the one I mentioned in chat two weeks ago. I told y'all it wouldn't see the light of day, but what the heck? I love writing crack fics!

Date: 2009-01-16 08:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
wow.. i have ti hand it to you, most of those i SO DID NOt see coming! i mean WOW! respect for your sick mind!

Date: 2009-01-16 08:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Hahaha Shock value is key!

Date: 2009-01-22 09:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Pffft, backflips

This made me giggle so hard, thanks XD

Date: 2009-01-22 10:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
So glad it entertained you!

Date: 2009-01-26 03:26 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
You have real talent with this "crack" stuff, you know that? As you can guess, I followed your link from Fanfiction and I have to say this was totally worth. Yuuri in denial for most of the fic, always finding a unique way to back away from the scene, Wolfram getting some each and evey time in so many different ways... And the ending! Explicit details?! What does Wolfram plan to do with those if he doesn't roast Yuuri for being a "pervert" first?

Date: 2009-01-26 07:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thanks! I like to laugh, maybe that's why crack comes so easily to me?

And Wolfram wants those details for "reference" purposes. Yeah... >_> *snicker*

Date: 2009-01-27 01:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
lol You definitely managed the all-star Batman affect. I was thoroughly and completely freaked out. Still am. xDD And is. so. damn. FUNNY! xDDDD

Date: 2009-01-27 02:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
LOL I'm glad you were amused by it! It's just like All-Star B&R - the trainwreck that you simply can't look away from.

Date: 2009-01-27 06:09 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Yup, I STILL can't look away. XD The end, especially, gave me a wtf moment. LOL

omg hilarious

Date: 2009-02-13 07:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
this fic was pure-win!
though i was kinda scarred by the anissina one
i loved it though
great job!

Re: omg hilarious

Date: 2009-02-13 10:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
LOL I'm glad you liked it!

Date: 2009-10-09 05:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
OMG that was hilarious!! XD
I LOL-ed so hard i think i almost fell from my chair XDD
Yuuri moonwalked? back flips?
Gosh, wolfram dreamt about donuts? WHY donuts? OMG that was trully hilarious!
I was 0_0 ehen i first read, wolfram naked and on top of Dacascos?? WHY?? LOLLLL
Amazing fic!
I got this link from your FFnet profile btw ;)

Date: 2009-10-09 05:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Hi, thanks for visiting over here! I still have no explanations for the donuts, other than there's holes in them. Take what you will from that, LOL...

Glad you liked it, I aim to destroy!

Date: 2009-10-18 04:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*burst out laughing* LOL the way Yuuri fled from each scene, backflipping, moonwalking = FTW! and Wolf asking for details, so hilarious XDDD

Date: 2009-10-18 01:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm glad this atrocity amused you! I fully enjoyed writing this trainwreck.

Date: 2010-04-11 07:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
OMG i'm lauging my ass of right now!!!! hahahaahahahaha xDDD this is to much for me, and I read other oneshots more of you....but I can't comment because my stomach hurt of laugh so much and can't to center to write in English LOOOOL

Date: 2010-04-17 01:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
LOL thanks for commenting!


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